I can't believe it I just can't Fucking believe it. I have Jury Duty for the first three months of the 2008 year. I am so Pissed. I don't have time for Jury duty. They still have to call me to let me know what dates and times I have to be there but this still sucks just knowing that at any time I could be called up for that damn Jury duty and I have to go or I will be thrown in jail myself. Either way I'm screwed. I hope that I can slip by this next three months uncalled but it's still going to be stressing me out. 

I guess in life there is always something. Wether it's bills needing to be paid, or holiday rush, or the damn County Government Chewing at your ass there is always something in life making it interesting (AKA. Comic relief to the puppet master of life)

Tags: jury duty, life, pissed
Current Location: Does it matter
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: Down with society

gifts
favors
physical touch
time
There are 4 main ways people can show their love. We all have different ways we need to be shown by others that they love us. Personally I know how to show people I love them by giving them things I know they like and doing favors like taking care of their chores for them. I need to shown that someone loves me by physical touch which can be as little as an arm wrapped around me, and spending quality time with me which can be only minutes as long as it's quality. Like with my mom, I only get ten minute conversations with her every other week or so, but I she is understanding of what I'm going through and we talk about some of the big news kind of things which makes me feel close to her regardless of how much time I really spend talking to her.

My Girlfriend needs to be touched more and needs more of that Quality time to feel that she is loved. Most of the time it's small little things like holding her hand or giving her a massage when it's not automatic. When it comes to spending Quality time with her I don't know how to do it. Like I said earlier in this post, the ways I know how to show love is by doing things for them and giving them things, I want so badly to be able to accommodate her, and maybe then she would be happy with me. Lately she has been happy with life which I think is absolutely great but she has not been happy with me. And that is reasonable for the the things I do/don't do. I don't mean to be this way. I hate the way I have become. I claim that I need her undersatanding but in the end I am the one who needs to understand her. She feels that I am not apart of her life that is outside of Waynesville, her future life. I want to be but driving her up to school will do nothing for that, I must talk to her about it and be interested in her life to be able to have her feel that I am connected to that part of her life. I've never been good at planning and I wanted to plan this years Ohyaocon for her so she didn't have to stress about it, but It's ended up that my lack of planning is pushing it back on her. So I'm going to finish my plans after I'm done writing this. Another thing about planning is that I never really know what I'm doing and when. So like Catie will ask me if i can d something and I'll say yes not thinking about what it is I might have going on or I simply forget what I'm doing so I over book and by the time I realize that I'm over booked I'm already commited to both things and them trying to do both usually ends in chaos. Same thing with money, so for instance I get a $100 paycheck and I have a $60 bill that week. I know it comes that week but I forget when A friend says let's go see a movie so I spend another $20 for food and the ticket then I promise to see a movie with them on that friday.Then I need gas for my car so I spend $30 on gas for the week. Then the bill comes in and I am $10 short and I still need money for the movie on friday. I feel obligated to stick with my plans with my friends but I need to pay my bills on time. This is an example of how my not planning creates stress for me and my friends. So I am going to sit down with my paycheck every week and plan out how exactly I'm going to spend it and then stick to the plan. If I don't have enough for the movie on friday then I will say I would love to go but I don't have the money. I need to be more stern about things like this. I've been a pansy when it comes to being stern with the people I care about because I'm afraid of losing them I guess. But the ironic thing is that I WILL lose them if I'm not stern about things like this. Anyway I'm rambling, but there are so many things that I'm doing wrong that I KNOW I'm doing WRONG, But I am having the Hardest time fixing. 

It shouldn't be this hard. But this is life, life is hard to make you stronger.

Tags: 4 types of love, how can i change, my problems
Current Mood: anxious

 Hangovers are a &!#(%. This morning I woke up to the sensation of a Freight train plowing over my head, but that was nothing compared to getting up when it felt like someone swung an axe in the back of my head. I was still very dizzy and disoriented. It was fun for the first like 45 minutes after that, well no it's too graphic to go into detail. This morning I realized my mistakes that brought me here to this spot. The sad thing is I can't make a promise to change because I don't even believe me, how in the world could I expect any one else to. 

I have put myself in this position I WILL get myself out. Last night was a mistake in more ways than one. Drinking was not the best of options, but it wasn't my biggest mistake. I should have sat down and thought out while sober. I can see how mad everyone must be at me especially my Butterfly I feel like a complete jerk. Why is this so difficult for me? Why can't I change on a whim? Why can't I be who I want to be? Why can I not think clearly enough the plan ahead and to answer immediately with confidence? These questions piss me off because they seem so simple to me yet I can't come up with a viable answer. My girlfriend suggested for me to write in a journal so I may be abe to collect my thoughts. I think that might help.

Tags: hangover, must change myself
Current Mood: awkwardly depressed
Current Music: Animal

Today and yesterday  were a couple of my worst days yet. I haven't been paying attention to those that matter the most to me, so that has created distance between us. It's really depressing to me because I want to have a deeper relationship with them, but it seems like almost everything I do or don't do isn't right.

I've been wanting to drink lately, at least enough to give me a buzz. So I guess this was as good a time as any. Cabernet is really good. It's my favorite wine so far. I like wine very much. It's so much better than beer, well at least American Beer. I don't remember how many bottles of hard lemonade I've had. oh'well.

Tags: haha, i suck
Current Location: goodbye2
Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: plu` lolz

 It has been quite some time since I last posted in this live-journal. In recent days a multitude of problems have arose. I have also found many answers. These answers are to questions that I have been asking (only to myself) for as long as I can remember. I have never been so close to it. A few weeks ago I found that I have trouble focusing on things that I need to like remembering key things, focusing on what I am reading, things I need to do, and focusing on my relationships. Last Thursday after a week or so of thinking non stop about focusing I had another revelation/awakening. Forced out by immense emotion I began to talk. I know this sounds ridiculous but anyone who had spent time with me can tell that I am a quite person and that I don't really communicate well. That day I did. I opened up and just let myself flow. It was amazing. In those moments of being opened for the first time I felt things I could literally feel myself being alive. I could feel the happiness swelling inside of me burst out. I felt like I was weightless. After wards I realized the that I had felt my body being suppressed when I was not in this awakened state.

Later that night I notice that that went away. For the past few days I have been isolating myself to let my thoughts expand on this new found ability to communicate. This is who I want to be. The kind of person that can talk about the world around me with emotion and with reflection. I have found in this time of contemplation that strong emotions bring out this side of me. I hope that in time I will be able to control this to allow me to maintain this awakened state indefinately. 

When I am closed up, when I can't focus, and when I am not feeling alive anything I say seems like a mission report. Just retelling event. When I am in an awakened state I share my feelings about those events. I reflect upon them instead of just telling them. This is the only way for people to really get to know me, to find out how I feel about this, what my opinion is. That is the only way for that to happen.

I am along way from unlocking all of the secrets of this. I only hope i t is not too late to save my relationships.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: tight rope

Catie is the best girlfriend in the world. She missed me today so much that she spent her money for lunch on gifts for me. She gave me a card that told me she missed me and with a list of what else she gave me. The list had reasons and uses for all of those things. Some were gag gifts, some were practical, but they were ALL very sweet (because of the fact that she did this). She gave me 

<3The Card
<3A Pickle
<3Little Notebooks
<3A Giant Clothes Pin
<3Fake Black Nails
and
<3A Barrel Of Monkeys

To me this was very sweet, and it was just what I needed, because before I even came home to see that she left me the Bag O' Goodies I had bought her a NEW VASE (that she said she needed), and a new set of flowers to put into the vase. I missed her so much the past couple of days. I thought I would do something for her. She blew mine away. I love her so much. I would love to write more but I have to go. The Sad part was that when I went over to surprise her with the flowers she had to go to Wittenburg:( so I didn't see her at all. *sigh*. I hope to see her tomorrow. Another funny thing is that the flowers on the card match the flowers I got her. That's bizarre, cool, and freakishly sweet that they match.

Tags: girlfriend, love, missing you
Current Location: home
Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: Opening to TOTA

     Last night I up from 2 in the morning till 10. I couldn't sleep because I had to puke every 20 minutes. I had to call in from school this morning, because I had class from 8:30 till 12:30. At work last night I felt really bad. I'm just thankful I didn't start until after I got home. Once I stopped I was completely worn out. 
     I got sick due to eating at Taco Bell, or as my family calls it haco hell. That place made my mother sick a while ago as well and almost put her into the hospital if I remember right. Anyway I don't feel nauseous any more but I'm still drained. If I don't feel strong enough I'm gonna have to call off work tonight as well. I may just do that anyway.

Tags: food poisoning, sick, taco bell
Current Location: home
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Cotton Eyed Joe

You have to love the BBC
I was listening to them last night on my way home from work. The story they were talking about was about 1600 inmates in the Philippines learning to dance together to Thriller. When I looked it up on Youtube I found that they have done more that just that.

Thriller                   http://youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o

Jumbo Hotdog        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxrPxudZjj8

Radio Gaga            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAVVVMcTShQ

Algorithum March   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjMd2Vabcv8

Sister Act              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps7VFGQi74k

Which do you like best?

Tags: act, dance, inmate, inmates, music, queen, sister, thriller, weird
Current Mood: happy

Otakon was freaking amazing. There was so many people there. The dealers room was over the size of a super Wal*mart. I didn't even get to see all of it. There were a lot of people in our room. I think they said we had 15 at one point. That's a lot. I have no idea how I was able to sleep there but I slept like a rock. I think it was the drive over and the fact that I was tired to begin with, but jeez I've never been that heavy of a sleeper. I could have had better communication with my group. There were some times when it could have run more smoothly, but over all at the con I had a blast.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Michel Jackson's thriller

It has definitely been TOO long. I need to post more often about my life and everything else. I just find that I have too much else to do. Or I just don't feel like it. Anyway, I am really looking forward to this Con in Baltimore because it will be an escape. I have been talking to others about many of my flaws lately and I am going to try my best to be more enthusiastic when I am happy, tell Catie what is on my mine if I'm not, and just plain communicate better. For the first time I think I can actually fix some of the problems my father past on to me. I Love my father, but he has some character flaws that I do not want to ever have. They end up hurting everyone around me and him. As soon as I know something important I will try to contact those who need to know, so on and so on. I feel clear headed on this issue which is a very nice feeling to have. I feel like I won't let Catie and everyone else for that matter down anymore when it comes to communication. I know that this is not my only flaw that needs tending to but I don't have the time to get in to all of that right now and some things are better left off the internet anyway. Well I have to be off to work again, so I'll sign off and write more when I get back.

Current Location: home
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: The Devils Trill (Vanessa Mae)